1. Love. Is that too much to ask for? I want friends who love me and will unconditionally, who won't tell me I'm too hard to deal with. I want someone who will love me and love me enough to not just walk away from it all.

2. Money. I'm broke. There are so many things I need to do, and want to do and I can't. In some aspects this really, really hurts because I'm broke, and I'm losing the person I love because of this.

3. Tissues. Lots and lots of tissues for when I don't get either of the above. It's kinda remarkable how many boxes you go through when you spend almost every night crying yourself to sleep because you are miserable.


I got home from school and my family started asking me what I wanted for Christmas, and this is the list I gave them. I was told that it wasn't adequate because it's nothing that can be wrapped up or bought. It's not material, therefore it doesn't fit.


My grandmom bought me interview/work clothes today. For the job I don't have yet and haven't applied for.

I stared at my phone most of the night, first wishing it would ring and then contemplating calling my apparent new best friend (I didn't because my sister decided to have people over, and I couldn't think of anything to say besides apologize for having the same conversation again and again when we do talk).

I'm super fucking exciting. Friday, I spent four hours walking around the mall. I fell asleep by 11. Saturday, I spent at my aunt's house pretending I was thrilled to be done with school and ecstatic about life. I ooohed and awwwed over my cousin's new baby and pretended to be amused when I was the only person to hold her whom she actualled "talked" to and laughed with. I went out Saturday night, with my sister's ex-boyfriend and his best friend. I spent a lot too much time talking to the bartender at the bar. I ran into an old friend at the diner and wished that when he gave me a hug that I didn't have to let go because I needed one so badly. The highlight of my weekend was Sunday, when I was on the phone for half an hour talking about how much of an epic fail our plans for the weekend were with the best friend. I listened to him play with his kitten, which was actually really adorable because he is the last person I would expect to be cute and cuddly with a kitten.

Tomorrow, I'm spending the night with my family. Wednesday, they will go to church and I'll spend Christmas Eve alone. I'll try to go out Friday night and Saturday, I'm supposed to be going to the going away party. I need to make plans for New Year's Eve because I have a feeling I'll be left out of everything if I don't independtly make my own plans. At midnight, I'm swearing off alcohol for what will probably end up being a really fucking long year. I officially graduate on the 10th of January and need to find something to do to celebrate because my parents are rushing lunch after the ceremony so they can get home to go out with their friends. My no-alcohol resolution will probably be broken by the 16th. At some point I'll start applying for jobs and moving on with life, or at least pulling one together for myself.


I really just want to see the kitten that won the heart of a boy who tries so hard to be such a bad ass all the time.