At some point, I'll remember you're never around and I'll stop getting my hopes up about being able to tell you fantastic, exciting news and stories and I'll just go straight to talking to my glass of cheap wine instead.

Cheap red wine makes job applications much more fun. However, I am now almost out and have no monies to buy more because the economy hates me.

This feels like it's such a mess and I feel like it's my fault. I love you but I don't know how to get back to where things were.

=(

I wish the fact that another holiday was over meant I didn't have to see my extended family, specifically my one grandmom for a really long time. I realize that is a horrible thing to say, but she is a horrible, hurtful person (yes, I realize that I probably know one other person who actually dislikes any member of his family as much as I dislike my mom's mom).

Friday, she spent all day with my family. My mom and I took her grocery shopping and to the Black Friday church service. We let her run errands with us instead of taking her home after church. She invited herself over for dinner. My little sister is sick, but after dinner went out to a party. After she left, my grandmom says that she guesses someone else would be coming by to pick me up, because she assumed that I would be going out as well. My dad and I explained to her that I really don't go out much, and most of the time spend the weekends in with my parents, reading or watching old movies with my mom, because I only have two really good friends in Pottstown anymore, and one was with his family this weekend, and that the other had broken her foot. She asked what was wrong with me, that I was young and not going out all the time, and told me I should be as social as my little sister, and that I shouldn't be like my mom. Then she laughed and said "Girls going out with girls? When do you ever see your fellas? Oh, that's right, yours left you."

Saturday, Adam had planned a 12 hour practice for drum line, and my mom and I had planned on meeting one of her friends in West Chester to watch her daughter in WCU's track meet. It rained, so we didn't go and my mom ended up having to pick my grandmom up from the hairdresser's because my uncle was going to Reading to try to clean out more of my cousin's apartment. When my mom dropped her off, my grandmom refused to get out of the car, because she thought it was well within her right to invite herself over for the day again. My mom harshly told her that it wasn't because no one was going to be home all day and that we had company coming. Before my mom left, my grandmom questioned why I couldn't entertain her seeing as I don't have a social life, and told my mom that she had done plenty for her while she was growing up, so my mom should be more willing to do things for her. My grandmom was not an involved, loving parent when my mom was growing up. My mom does everything for her, drives her everywhere, cleans her house, etc and gets no thanks for it, and my grandmom still feels like she is owed something.

Today, despite my dad telling my mom to uninvite her to dinner, my grandmom came over again. I was helping to get dinner and talking to my other grandmom (whom I adore). She asked me if I had heard from John lately, and I told her that I hadn't actually spoken to him in weeks, that he says he's been busy and that I really didn't want to talk about him right then (my grandfather spent a good portion of WWII in the South Pacific, so she knows how hard him being gone is). My other grandmom, for no reason other than to upset me, took the opportunity to comment that he has probably found another girlfriend and that's why I haven't heard from him.

My dad had some choice words for her that summed up, said that if she ever made me cry on a holiday again (after doing so on Christmas),and continued to treat my mom the way she has been she could find somewhere else to spend them.

Shortly thereafter, my parents left to pick Susan up at the airport, my sister went to bed, and I realized that cheap wine never tasted to good.

Happy fucking Easter, everyone!

Last night, my mind dreamt
across 8 state lines
to lull into dreams of sleeping, lying
but not so alone this time

could you feel it when i stole covers,
kissed your neck
and wished you one goodnight
i hoped to remain in for the rest of my days

now these north breezes haunt me so teasingly placed
once again in my path, once again i am faced
with the cold truth of autumn the tease of her taste
my bags have been packed for days

So make it a point to
say you miss me
and tell all of your friends
of the boy from which your accent comes
oh wont you hold it, against me
for knowing the words
what you say to make your heartbeat stop

last night, my arm stretched out
up new england and into the deep south
just to pull back clouds that hide the sun
just to burst through your windows just for fun

could you feel when i snuck in?
starting slowly a battle i could never win
could you feel when i burst through
i am the sunligh drenching you

now these north breezes haunt me so teasingly placed
once again in my path, once again i am faced
with the cold truth of autumn the tease of her taste
my bags have been packed for days

So make it a point to
say you miss me
and tell all of your friends
of the boy from which your accent comes
oh wont you hold it, against me
for knowing the words
what you say to make your heartbeat stop
(You, Me, and Everyone We Know)






I really wish I 100% completely believed you.

That's the look I've been waiting for.




I have an interview tomorrow!!

Could you feel when I snuck in, starting slowly a battle I could never win?

Why is this still so hard? Isn't it just supposed to be getting easier? Maybe it's just me... =(

I've applied for another five jobs so far this week. Two career jobs, and three at the mall. I'm broke and I've already pretty much given into the fact that I'm gonna be filling out paper work to defer student loan repayments June 1st, but I just need something to do. My sister's drum instructor told me about at job in Reading that he promised he'll get me more information about.

I totally went birthday shopping for Satan last night (<---NEED A JOB!). She's gonna be 11 (is that old for a cat??) and I managed to spend $1.98 on her. I also promised that as soon as I get a job and can afford it, I'll take her to the vet's. I'm pretty sure she's hoping I stayed unemployed for a really, really long time.


I want the weekend and for my bestest to be free so we can do nothing and love it.

AHHHHHHHHH.

That is me screaming in my head at the top of my lungs because I am frustrated and annoyed. I wish I could actually scream, but I'm in the middle of the library, and I'm supposed to be quiet or something.


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I'm at an all time low for the number of jobs I've applied for in the past week. It's only been two. I've emailed Crisis Point for info on volunteering, and I applied for another youth center staff position with the Baptist Child Services in Royersford. I'm atheist.

And I'm totally desperate enough to go back to retail so I'm heading to the mall sometime this week. Retail, here I come! *smacks head on computer desk*

I have a car and car insurance again! Maybe, just maybe, this means my social life will be resurrected?

I also had a really good sandwich for dinner at Ruby Tuesdays.