Seriously, I'm going to shoot myself in the face soon.

I overheard my mom telling one of her friends that she wants me out of here.

Yeah, I really need a job.
I was having a really good day too.

Today started in the ER and ended at the West Chester Kildare's. People in my life need to stab themselves with screwdrivers more often if it's going to lead to drinks from cute waiters.

Oh, and I handed in job applications today.

It's only 12:30 and I'm going to bed. I remember just a few months ago when midnight was really late for me to be up because of classes and stuff. Oh, classes.

I got offered a job today at the diner. That's a step up from when I got offered a job at Walmart because I talked the cashier through the steps involved with splitting a purchase between a gift card and cash. I don't see why real jobs don't hire me, obviously, I'm super intelligent.

My new phone looks like an iPod. I just realized that today when I was rocking out to the pre-programmed Usher song that came on it. Don't judge.







^Blankets for kittens^

Apparently it's ok for me to spend my life being criticized but as soon as I say anything that can be perceived as negative about your precious little failure, I get shit listed.

I can't stand the hypocrisy of anything that defines life at home. If I were her, it would be publicly known that I had failed and I would be getting pushed to find a job, not protected and told that no matter what I do, it'll be ok and all that. If I was barely going to graduate from high school, had been kicked out of the programs I was in and had a less than 10% chance of actually going to college, my parents would do nothing but belittle me and lecture me about how I had royally fucked up. However, they do nothing but enable my sister to fail, fail, fail at life. Congrats on failing! Don't expect me to not show disappointment though.

I got a real life rejection letter in the mail today. That kinda sucks.

I'm still job hunting. I guess I wasn't as sold on the Montco job as I thought I was. I need a job, because I need to be able to pay off the $24,000 I owe in student loans and buy a car that I'm not terrified to drive because it's ready to fall apart, and move out because as much as I like things like free food and laundry, this moving home thing is ten times more stressful than just being here over breaks. Every day it's something else. It's a daily interrogation as to why I don't have a job yet and how it's my fault, which just makes me feel like a failure. It's my mom and sister constantly picking fights with me over little things and then not talking to me for days when I don't just give in or do what they want. It's the constantly being at home and having no where to go because all of my friends have moved away from Pottstown or are too busy with their careers or relationships for girls night or have stopped calling me to hang out with the boys.

I am stressed out and exhausted. I've gotten out of bed at noon the past two days (and have gotten yelled at for it) and have no appetite. I've become an unwilling fan of day time trash TV for lack of anything better to do. I feel old and failure like because I've done nothing so far. My friends have careers or are going back to school or whatever and I sit around my parents house filling out application after application feeling like a broke, unemployed loser.

This totally needs to stop, but I don't know what to do. I need a hug. I need girl's night with...I don't even know who, since there's no one around anymore. I need it to be warm so I can go outside and start running again. I need a real break, a vacation and to just leave.


This was super depressing (however, my stupid blog just lets me rant and doesn't complain or want to fix things or feel bad). I'm going to go find Satan and force her to cuddle with me.

That went well, I guess. It went well, listening to the kids talk was just sad.

Also, I'm lonely and unhappy and really just want to get out of Pottstown for a while, but having no job and no money makes that highly unlikely.

And I just remembered I said I'd call and tell you how things went (obviously, since I just remembered, I didn't). It's not late there, but it's midnight here. I suck.

=)
<3

After bitching and complaining about not wanting me to go out tonight, my sister invited Greg over after spending all night on AIM. Now that she's single they're probably downstairs hooking up. She fought with me and screamed at me and actually made me cry.

My grandmother spent all afternoon criticizing me. She's old and she has the beginning stages of Alzheimer's and I should be sympathetic and understanding. However, being old and losing your mind is not a free pass to be a bitch.

By the time I called Chris back about having a drink tonight, he didn't answer his phone. So I sent him an email apologizing for not calling him earlier and telling him about how crappy my day was and wishing him a fantastic night doing whatever.

I'd call Mac, but this whole being friends thing is so weird and whatever. We hung out two weeks ago, and he said he'd call, and he hasn't. Which in and of itself doesn't really bother me, because that's his thing, not calling. And I don't want to call him and be like, I'm lonely and unhappy and I miss John and I'm stressed out etc. even though he said to call whenever I just want to run away screaming. Yeah, I want to run away screaming, but I don't want to depend on him to be the knight in semi-shining armor all the time.

John's on AIM and stuff but at this point my mood is completely shot so I don't even really want to talk to him. Which just really makes me feel like a bad girlfriend.

Romeo take me somewhere, we can be alone.
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run.
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess.
It's a love story, baby, just say yes

I have an interview on Wednesday with the Montgomery County Youth Center!!

So much for positive-ness. No phone calls about jobs. I am not one to worry and stress out, but I am. So that probably says a lot about how unhappy I am about being unemployed.


My mom was helping me tape up the box I was sending to John today. We were talking and she actually asked me if I really thought I could not cheat on him the entire time he was gone. I told her that I'm in love with him, that I don't want to be with anyone but him, and that I couldn't believe she had to ask me that. She told me she was glad that she had finally asked, and I told her that it wasn't a conversation I needed to have with her.

It snowed again. At least, if it stays cold I have an excuse to wear my new winter jacket.

So it only took me all night to figure out what was wrong with this weekend.

It was majorly lacking in best friend-ness.



On a positive note, at least tomorrow is Monday, so everyone will be going back to work, so maybe I'll get calls about jobs!