I'm not even spending New Year's Eve with my boyfriend. I'm probably much more sad about that than I should be at this point.

I don't understand how I'm just supposed to forget about you. That's not going to make either of us happy and you know it. It's just a cheap, easy way of not having to make this work. You'd rather have me hate you and be mad at you than know that I love you and think enough of you and us to want to wait for you. You'd rather deal with the equivalent of a break up and I'd rather deal with distance. It's not fair and I do not understand at all.


"Carly needs to leave by three or else she'll turn into a pumpkin."

1. Love. Is that too much to ask for? I want friends who love me and will unconditionally, who won't tell me I'm too hard to deal with. I want someone who will love me and love me enough to not just walk away from it all.

2. Money. I'm broke. There are so many things I need to do, and want to do and I can't. In some aspects this really, really hurts because I'm broke, and I'm losing the person I love because of this.

3. Tissues. Lots and lots of tissues for when I don't get either of the above. It's kinda remarkable how many boxes you go through when you spend almost every night crying yourself to sleep because you are miserable.


I got home from school and my family started asking me what I wanted for Christmas, and this is the list I gave them. I was told that it wasn't adequate because it's nothing that can be wrapped up or bought. It's not material, therefore it doesn't fit.


My grandmom bought me interview/work clothes today. For the job I don't have yet and haven't applied for.

I stared at my phone most of the night, first wishing it would ring and then contemplating calling my apparent new best friend (I didn't because my sister decided to have people over, and I couldn't think of anything to say besides apologize for having the same conversation again and again when we do talk).

I'm super fucking exciting. Friday, I spent four hours walking around the mall. I fell asleep by 11. Saturday, I spent at my aunt's house pretending I was thrilled to be done with school and ecstatic about life. I ooohed and awwwed over my cousin's new baby and pretended to be amused when I was the only person to hold her whom she actualled "talked" to and laughed with. I went out Saturday night, with my sister's ex-boyfriend and his best friend. I spent a lot too much time talking to the bartender at the bar. I ran into an old friend at the diner and wished that when he gave me a hug that I didn't have to let go because I needed one so badly. The highlight of my weekend was Sunday, when I was on the phone for half an hour talking about how much of an epic fail our plans for the weekend were with the best friend. I listened to him play with his kitten, which was actually really adorable because he is the last person I would expect to be cute and cuddly with a kitten.

Tomorrow, I'm spending the night with my family. Wednesday, they will go to church and I'll spend Christmas Eve alone. I'll try to go out Friday night and Saturday, I'm supposed to be going to the going away party. I need to make plans for New Year's Eve because I have a feeling I'll be left out of everything if I don't independtly make my own plans. At midnight, I'm swearing off alcohol for what will probably end up being a really fucking long year. I officially graduate on the 10th of January and need to find something to do to celebrate because my parents are rushing lunch after the ceremony so they can get home to go out with their friends. My no-alcohol resolution will probably be broken by the 16th. At some point I'll start applying for jobs and moving on with life, or at least pulling one together for myself.


I really just want to see the kitten that won the heart of a boy who tries so hard to be such a bad ass all the time.

Today, I felt like everything was ok. Last night and this afternoon was great. We talked. We laid around and did nothing. I woke up this morning and realized I was an idiot for ever doubting that we'd be ok.

It's a bowling alley/karaoke weekend.

I'm sitting on my desk in my apartment (my chair has been taken apart so it fits in the car) quite literally surrounded by all my stuff in boxes and bags. As soon as I'm done rambling, I'm leaving to go take the Crowds,Cults&Revolutions final. And then I'm done. Four and a half years later, I'm done. And I feel nothing. Nothing, except maybe relief that I never, ever have to come back here or do this again.

Kris came over Sunday night. We ate pizza and watched movies and walked around Main St. We talked about all the good times we had when we were both undergrads at Ship, all the people we hung out with, the parties we went to, and the amazing drunk one liners ("I can't like you anymore because you're a Republican." and the boys we crushed on. We talked about the things we've been through and where we are now, and what the future holds. We wondered what our old friends, the ones we've fallen out of touch with, are now, what they're doing, if they're happy.

This is the end. I really thought I knew what I wanted, where I wanted life to go, what I wanted to do. I thought my future included a job in juvenile probation until my cousin was murdered and I realized that I can't spend my life defending murders and dealers and bad people. I thought it included a boy who's moving to Australia, but he's gotten distant or grad school has become a hurdle we can't make it over, or something. We haven't really talked in days, we haven't seen each other, and the last time I asked, he was too busy to spend two hours meeting me for lunch this week, so I don't know if the boy I'm in love with is still part of my future or not.

This is the end. People are talking about jobs and families and happy holidays and I'm just as lost and confused as I was when I walked off to band camp four and a half years ago, at 18. Maybe I'm not supposed to know. Maybe I'm just supposed to roll with it, to let whatever comes, come. Maybe, but what if I don't want to leave it up to fate?

Sadly, my stuff in boxes and bags, lights off, watching the rain turn into snow is the most peaceful I've felt in days. The apartment feels sad, my heart is feeling heavy, and I know I eventually have to go outside into the "wintry mix" which won't be fun. Mostly though, I'm alone.

This is, apparently, the end. Just please, tell me how I'm supposed to feel about it.

I'm done with classes.
The majority (four) of my finals are tomorrow.
I have five days to celebrate before taking the last one and going home.
And I have no one to celebrate with.
It kinda figures.

Omg, wtf?
Seriously?

Seriously seriously?
For realsies?

Sure, why not? I need a little more disappointment in my life. I've been much too happy the past few days.

Seriously, it's 2:30 in the fucking morning. During the week. Shut the fuck up and go to bed.

I have the feeling that I'm not going to miss my cokehead neighbors and their obnoxiously loud parties (their stereo makes stuff in my apartment vibrate) at all. If they weren't big, black, and intimidating, I'd go knock on the door and then them to STFU myself. However, I'm skinny and white and therefore would get my ass kicked.

Never mind.

It's funny how tragedy brings people together, especially those who previously avoided speaking to each other.

yay for cuban class being canceled! i'm wasting the afternoon watching csi:ny

I apologized today. For standing up for myself, and knowing that I was right, and insisting that I be treated like an adult. And now, apparently, everything is perfectly fine again, and its ok to call and see how I'm doing (like you care), and email me updates about life at home. Oh god, the hypocrisy. I think I'm supposed to look forward to going home to see my family now and stuff. As long as everything is ok on one side, life is swell.


I'm boring and have nothing else to update because Newark sucks and nothing every happens here.

Some little old lady yelled at me for having holes in my jeans today when I was getting coffee.

Is any of this worth it?

Yay for the school fixing their mistakes! That's over with, and I'm assuming I feel better. I'm not looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving and being guilt tripped into feeling bad about fighting with Mom. I'm really only going home to save myself $10 and two hours on the train (hopefully, anyways).

Kris and I went out for dinner last night and watched movies here since Faith isn't here this weekend (or I'm assuming, her stuffs here, but I havent' seen her since noon-ish yesterday).

I really need to get motivated to apply for jobs and stuff. We were talking last night about wanting big-girl jobs just so we can buy stuff, like the ultimate expensive bags , sunglasses, heels, cliche little black dresses. We are le ridiculous.

www.itischristmas.com Why are they playing holiday ads already? I should be excited, because I like Christmasy stuff like hot chocolate, and cookies, and the way the tree smells, and shopping, and warm clothes, and fires in fireplaces, and decorations and candles, and lights, and music, but it's just making me sad.

After the meeting on Friday, the A&S dean asked me what my plans for after graduation are. I said something about finding a job, but really that I didn't know. She asked if I had been to the career development center, and if I hadn't, that I should stop by and get help with resumes and stuff. I told her that I would be ok, somehow, since everything I develope falls apart anyway, and left. This after I told her that my mom would prefer hearing that they fixed their mistake from her and not me, which I had to convince her of since she assumes that everyone who goes to this school comes from rich, loving, happy families.

I am such a mess. While not stressed out, and feeling happier than I have in the last week, I'm still such a mess. I think I just hide it all too well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIqInL3sWWI
Kittens make me happy!!

I love my new Hollywood starlet style sunglasses.

I have another meeting with the A&S dean on the 21st, to "discuss my options", which doesn't sound at all promising. I have no fight or energy left, and I want mom to come down to go with me, but I doubt she will. The email I have confirming said meeting with the person I'm meeting with says that "if you need to speak with someone in the Dean's office sooner than November 21st, 2008, you are always welcome to come to speak with a professional staff member during student walk in hours" Seriously, I haven't been speaking to professionals the entire time I've been fighting this? On top of the English as a second language adviser who got me into this mess, that makes me super thrilled. Besides being one of the best schools in the country for a criminal justice major and the face that having the vice president's name attached to it, U Del is failing majorly. And that makes me really, really sad.

I picked up the weekly issue of The Review today. The UnDressed article (the relationship/sex column, which I only read because my friend Matt dated the chick who writes it) mad me sad. Focused on high school relationships transitioning to college, it was all about how long distance relationships don't work. I know that it was aimed at freshmen who think that they're relationships from high school are really going to last in college, and about how people need time to grown and change, and how taking breaks are healthy, and stuff, and I know that at 22, it's not exactly the same thing, but it made me sad none the less.

Every little thing is chipping away at my sanity and happiness right now. And I hate that because I really am trying. For once in my life, I am trying to hold on and be happy and positive, and it just seems that the world and I are never on the same wavelenght, that when I want to try, the world doesn't want to help, and when it wants to help, I want to curl up in my bed and ignore it.

I want a shoulder to cry on just once, to be sad without that shoulder believing that he should be able to fix everything so it doesn't hurt me anymore. I want a friend that I can talk to in person who won't try to play down that fact that I'm upset and stressed out. I miss my home, and my family. I am tired of being lonely. I wish I could just go back in time a few days and have it perpertually be Saturday in front of the fireplace, with cuddling and comfort and someone who, I think, loves me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muLIPWjks_M

Yay for Ninja Cat!!

Puppies!

http://cdn1.ustream.tv/swf/4/viewer.45.swf?cid=317016


Yeah. It's a live feed of puppies. Who doesn't like puppies?



Also, I suck at blogging.