I saw Joe this weekend. I stole his t-shirt because the shirt I wore to the bar wasn't weather appropriate. We shared cigarettes, laughs, hugs, and kisses on the cheeks. We wrapped up in blankets and talked and giggled until 5 am. He pulled out the Irish accent. He told me that I'm the only female who has consistently been in his life and loved him, besides his mother, but he doesn't want to marry his mother. We talked again about what went wrong with us, how two years ago we couldn't read each other, how I got crazy when he did his disappearing thing. I bought him a beer and cheered him on when he sang at karaoke. It was like old times again. It felt the same as the first night when we met, six years ago almost, which as he correctly remembers was at karaoke at Winner's Circle in Exton. He still hopes to be having nights like this 10 years from now.

He's getting married. He's marrying her because I'm not ready. He's "settling for 2nd best" so he can "move on" with his life. Ryan has said I told you so. That really doesn't help. I'm totally taking this way harder than I should be if I love Ry. But its just fucking stupid. The entire thing is fucking stupid. He's looking at apartments this weekend, but told me Monday that he isn't even sure if he wants to move because he won't be able to see me as often.

I got a hair cut for free because we got gift cards at work as some sort of promotion or something.

Ryan. Ryan. Ryan. Ryan.