Holly: I'll never let anyone put me in a cage!

Paul: I don't want to put you in a cage, I wanna love you.

Holly: Same thing!

Paul: No it's not, Holly--

Holly: I'm not Holly! I'm not Lula Mae either. I don't know who I am. I'm like Cat here. We're a couple of no-name slobs. We belong to nobody, and nobody belongs to us. We don't even belong to each other.

"If I die young, burry me in satin
Lay me down in a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song."

Thanksgiving is this week.

I hate the holidays and this time of year. I like Christmas music, and shopping, and Christmas Eve, and being close to people. I just have no one to really be close to. Ryan is my family now, and I realized that all I want is to go curl up by the fire at my parents and stay there for a few months. I don't understand it. I feel safe there and like nothing could go wrong there.

The entire thought of the holidays is making me sad this year. Christmas music on the radio reduced me to tears on the drive home one day last week. I'm missing the past and what used to be.

FORGET DECEMBER.

"There's a thin line between a wild side and flatline."


Every time I walk that line, I get a little closer to falling over it. I don't know what I was thinking (correction: I do know what I was thinking, but that's the problem). Too much liquor. Four inch heels. Edge of the bridge.

Sure, I can keep my balance. And if not, I've never had any trouble floating before.

Oh well. A ripped up knee is better than a cold corpse, right?

You told me that your 20 years have gone by much too fast
And you've been hoping this year will be better than the last
You said you've been waging a war against the loneliest of nights
With the strongest drinks and longest lines, it's not that big of a surprise
That you're feeling more dead than alive
You're feeling more dead than alive

So I'll let you know if you need
Somewhere to go
I'll be listening when you call
And I'll be there if you fall off
If you need someone to believe in you I'll let you know I will

You said the hole in your head has gotten bigger than the whole that's in your chest
And you're stuck between the past and present tense
Said you've been waging a war against so many years of lies
With stronger drinks and longer lines, it's not that big of a surprise
That you're feeling more dead than alive
You're feeling more dead than alive

So I'll let you know if you need
Somewhere to go
I'll be listening when you call
And I'll be there if you fall off
If you need someone to believe in you I'll let you know I will

But sometimes you've gotta let it go

So this pen is starting to become
A pipe bomb and these songs
Have turned to anthems again
To everything that's changed and to everything that's gone away
Here are my condolences to the future I never met
It's gone and never coming back
It's never coming back
So don't hold onto your past
You've gotta let it go

'Cause friends leave as time fades away
The people and the places along the way
Without a doubt
Screws fall in and screws they fall out

Tomorrow's gone up in smoke
And I wonder when I'm alone
Where did my convictions go?
So to everyone that's gone away
Or fades away or stays the same
Here are my apologies to the person that I used to be
Before I burned down every bridge and every inch
Of everything I used to know
I gotta let it go

Friends leave as time fades away
The people and the places along the way
So don't hold onto your past
No, it's never coming back
You've gotta let it go

Four months in, I am convinced that this job is not for me.

I dreamt you reached out a hand to help me and caught me when I was falling, like always. It was a slight comfort to the whole issue.

It was a good weekend. I really didn't want it to end.

I really can not wait until January so I can start looking for jobs again. I knew I didn't want to do child welfare, and I know that I am not staying at CYF for any amount of time. I need to go back to school. I can't afford to go back to school. I can't do this very long.



Coffee, cigarettes, and Californication on the stereo.

I've had two dreams about losing you.

I want a bottle of liquor and sleep.

We fought over water bottles last night. I was out of bottled water and needed to buy more to bring to work. I wanted the six pack of liter SmartWater ones that I always get. He berrated me about how they were more expensive, and I could fill up smaller ones, and if I refill the SmartWater ones, even if I like SmartWater, I'd be drinking the same water after refilling them. I gave in to him. I can't even stand up for myself anymore over something as meaningless as bottled water. That scares me. Him being that controlling and me letting him scares me.

I am still choosing to sometimes drive the Legacy. I am having an incredibly hard time giving it up for the Cobalt. I love the Cobalt, but I believe that with everything else I've lost this summer, I need to give up my car in my own time. It's a car, it shouldn't be this hard.



And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when

Him and I made up. I don't feel like anything was resolved. I know that it's going to be the same thing the next time he works overnight or I have a horrible day. We love each other, but I don't think we trust each other.

I heard By the Way by the Chili Peppers on the radio driving to work a few days ago. It made me miss you terribly.

The boyfriend and I had another fight last night. I had a long, hard day at work and was coming home to ... well, no one because he "didn't" volunteer to work overnight again (which he knows I hate when he has to do). I told him how my day was, and why it was bad, and he dismissed and down played it, and then got mad when I was upset with him. It's fucking ridiculous, because this happens more often then it should. He mentioned breaking up again, like he does every time we fight, which doesn't really make me think I have much to fight for. I don't think he realizes that if he wants me to open up and be honest and close to him, he needs to stop threatening to break up with me when we fight, because it gives me no incentive to because if we're gonna break up, there's no point in trying to get close again.

I tossed his pillows on the couch and put up with his comment about my former best friend and put Bolt on and didn't cry because I refuse to anymore. I thought about cutting but didn't, but wanted to. I don't know how I am supposed to handle anything. He got rid of my support system. He dismissed it when I said I really think that going back to therapy would help me. I have nothing but my self-destructiveness. He didn't ask me to come visit this morning before I left for work, which is what I half wanted, to see him and make this go away.

I love him, I really do. He is all I have and I love him. But this ridiculous stupid fighting needs to stop. I feel like he just assumes he's right and that's it.





Standing in line
To see the show tonight
And there's a light on
Heavy glow
By the way I tried to say
I'd be there... waiting for
Dani the girl
is singing songs to me
Beneath the marquee... overload

Steak Knife Caro Shark
Con Job Boot Cut

Skin that flick
She's such a little DJ
Get there quick
By street but not the freeway
turn that trick
to make a little leeway
Beat that nic
But not the way that we play

Dog Town Blood Bath
Rib Cage Soft Tail

Standing in line
To see the show tonight
And there's a light on
Heavy glow
By the way I tried to say
I'd be there... waiting for

Black Jack Dope Dick
Pawn Shop Quick Pick

Kiss that Dyke
I know you want to hold one
Not on strike
But I'm about to bowl one
Bite that mic
I know you never stole one
Girls that like
A story so I told one

Song Bird Main Line
Cash Back Hard top

Standing in line
To see the show tonight
And there's a light on
Heavy glow
By the way I tried to say
I'd be there... waiting for
Dani the girl
is singing songs to me
Beneath the marquee... of her soul
By the way I tried to say
I'd be there... waiting for

Chant

Standing in line
To see the show tonight
And there's a light on
Heavy glow
By the way I tried to say
I'd be there... waiting for
Dani the girl
is singing songs to me
Beneath the marquee... of her soul
By the way I tried to say
I know you
Looking for
Standing in line
To see the show tonight
And there's a light on
Heavy glow
By the way I tried to say
I'd be there... waiting for



I think you need to still be there waiting for me, for whatever happens.

I bought my car.



I miss you.

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark



Deathcab for Cutie "Follow You Into the Dark"

From a parking lot in KOP over looking the turnpike, I started wondering if I would die instantly if I jumped into 9:30 PM traffic.

I'm alive, but I'm losing all my drive,
Cause everything we've been through,
It's everything about you
I plan not to ever return- let's run away from here for good
Forget this dusty neighborhood
Solitude is a reason to die- just you wait and see
And every, everything isn't only, what it seems
Kneel down and clear the stones of leaves
I wander out where you can't see- inside my shell I wait and bleed
I can't imagine all the people that you know and the places that you go
When the ligths are turned down low
And you tell me that it's over
I can't stand here in a patch of four leaf clover
And you're restless, and I'm naked
I gotta get out, you can't stand to see me shaking


...just prayed to a god that I don't believe in.

I am a failure.

While sitting in the parking lot of my mechanic's yesterday, I realized (with my mom's help) that the past year and a half of my life has just been an epic fail.

In December 2009, U Del was trying to tell me that I wasn't going to graduate on time, and I spent eleventh hour before graduation running around campus trying to convince them that I was. However, upon graduating I spent eight months of my life being turned down for jobs and hating the fact that I don't qualify for unemployment.

Then I got a job at the mall. I speak three languages, and went to one of the best schools in the world, based on reports and statitcs, and I work at the fucking mall making $7.50 an hour.

Seven fucking ficfty an hour, on average 24 hours a week comes out to about $143 after taxes. That $143 goes to paying my student loans, paying my Visa bill, which ends up way too high every month because after paying student loans and putting gas in the car, buying stuff I need to keep up some standard of personal hygiene (sorry I like brushing my teeth and washing my hair), and sometimes eating and having a night out once a month, I need to rely on my credit card to get me through the week.

John moved to Australia and left me. Only, instead of just leaving me, he lied to me for months about how busy he was with school work while pictures kept showing up on Facebook of him out and about, because like, I'm stupid or something. He lied and then met someone and subsequently cheated because he was too much of a pussy to just break up with me. He let me think that we would make it, and that there was hope for life after grad school because he was too much of a pussy to do anything about it. Because yeah, that hurt way less.

AT&T put me through cell phone hell and I had to buy a new cell phone at the retail cost out of pocket. The wonderful case I had for it just broke, so that needs to be replaced.

I've had to visit the doctor twice and pay out of pocket because I have no health insurance. I've been wearing the same contacts for five months because I can't go to the eye doctor because I don't have an extra $200 dollars and I'm really fucking thankful that my boyfriend smokes so much pot and is hopefully killing his sperm so I don't knocked up because I can't afford to go to the gyno and get a new birth control perscription, much less afford visits to a OB/GYN.

My car died. Both front axles need replacing. That is going to run about $300 for parts and labor, and that's before state inspection and emissions tests and an oil change, let alone anything that needs to be fixed after that. I need a new car, and really the money that I've spent on the Subaru for new tires and now this could have been a nice down payment on something used, if it was possible for me to save money, ever, at all.


My mom managed to come up with one good thing that has happened though. I met Ryan. Which as I reminded her, only happened because John left, and it almost cost me a friendship. But I met Ryan.

Snow.
Is.
Gay.

I am snowed in with four feet of snow. Yes, I am going to bitch about it. I can't wait until I can move somewhere snow doesn't exist because I'll be happy never seeing it again. I don't want to shovel the car out twice again. I don't want to be stuck in my house, likely without power after the wind starts, because it reminds me of the fucking Shinning. Being snowed in is not good for my seasonal affective disorder. Being snowed in is horrible because it is cold, and snowy, and winter like, and lacks heat and UV rays. I don't want to give up seven hours at work tomorrow, and I don't wanna be stuck here. I hate snow and winter and cold. =(

Also, after torturing myself watching two hours of Lost last night, Ryan apparently fell asleep, so I did it for next to nothing. I have no idea what the fuck happened.

It's cold.
And gay.

I saw Joe this weekend. I stole his t-shirt because the shirt I wore to the bar wasn't weather appropriate. We shared cigarettes, laughs, hugs, and kisses on the cheeks. We wrapped up in blankets and talked and giggled until 5 am. He pulled out the Irish accent. He told me that I'm the only female who has consistently been in his life and loved him, besides his mother, but he doesn't want to marry his mother. We talked again about what went wrong with us, how two years ago we couldn't read each other, how I got crazy when he did his disappearing thing. I bought him a beer and cheered him on when he sang at karaoke. It was like old times again. It felt the same as the first night when we met, six years ago almost, which as he correctly remembers was at karaoke at Winner's Circle in Exton. He still hopes to be having nights like this 10 years from now.

He's getting married. He's marrying her because I'm not ready. He's "settling for 2nd best" so he can "move on" with his life. Ryan has said I told you so. That really doesn't help. I'm totally taking this way harder than I should be if I love Ry. But its just fucking stupid. The entire thing is fucking stupid. He's looking at apartments this weekend, but told me Monday that he isn't even sure if he wants to move because he won't be able to see me as often.

I got a hair cut for free because we got gift cards at work as some sort of promotion or something.

Ryan. Ryan. Ryan. Ryan.