I want a bottle of liquor and sleep.

We fought over water bottles last night. I was out of bottled water and needed to buy more to bring to work. I wanted the six pack of liter SmartWater ones that I always get. He berrated me about how they were more expensive, and I could fill up smaller ones, and if I refill the SmartWater ones, even if I like SmartWater, I'd be drinking the same water after refilling them. I gave in to him. I can't even stand up for myself anymore over something as meaningless as bottled water. That scares me. Him being that controlling and me letting him scares me.

I am still choosing to sometimes drive the Legacy. I am having an incredibly hard time giving it up for the Cobalt. I love the Cobalt, but I believe that with everything else I've lost this summer, I need to give up my car in my own time. It's a car, it shouldn't be this hard.



And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when

Him and I made up. I don't feel like anything was resolved. I know that it's going to be the same thing the next time he works overnight or I have a horrible day. We love each other, but I don't think we trust each other.

I heard By the Way by the Chili Peppers on the radio driving to work a few days ago. It made me miss you terribly.

The boyfriend and I had another fight last night. I had a long, hard day at work and was coming home to ... well, no one because he "didn't" volunteer to work overnight again (which he knows I hate when he has to do). I told him how my day was, and why it was bad, and he dismissed and down played it, and then got mad when I was upset with him. It's fucking ridiculous, because this happens more often then it should. He mentioned breaking up again, like he does every time we fight, which doesn't really make me think I have much to fight for. I don't think he realizes that if he wants me to open up and be honest and close to him, he needs to stop threatening to break up with me when we fight, because it gives me no incentive to because if we're gonna break up, there's no point in trying to get close again.

I tossed his pillows on the couch and put up with his comment about my former best friend and put Bolt on and didn't cry because I refuse to anymore. I thought about cutting but didn't, but wanted to. I don't know how I am supposed to handle anything. He got rid of my support system. He dismissed it when I said I really think that going back to therapy would help me. I have nothing but my self-destructiveness. He didn't ask me to come visit this morning before I left for work, which is what I half wanted, to see him and make this go away.

I love him, I really do. He is all I have and I love him. But this ridiculous stupid fighting needs to stop. I feel like he just assumes he's right and that's it.





Standing in line
To see the show tonight
And there's a light on
Heavy glow
By the way I tried to say
I'd be there... waiting for
Dani the girl
is singing songs to me
Beneath the marquee... overload

Steak Knife Caro Shark
Con Job Boot Cut

Skin that flick
She's such a little DJ
Get there quick
By street but not the freeway
turn that trick
to make a little leeway
Beat that nic
But not the way that we play

Dog Town Blood Bath
Rib Cage Soft Tail

Standing in line
To see the show tonight
And there's a light on
Heavy glow
By the way I tried to say
I'd be there... waiting for

Black Jack Dope Dick
Pawn Shop Quick Pick

Kiss that Dyke
I know you want to hold one
Not on strike
But I'm about to bowl one
Bite that mic
I know you never stole one
Girls that like
A story so I told one

Song Bird Main Line
Cash Back Hard top

Standing in line
To see the show tonight
And there's a light on
Heavy glow
By the way I tried to say
I'd be there... waiting for
Dani the girl
is singing songs to me
Beneath the marquee... of her soul
By the way I tried to say
I'd be there... waiting for

Chant

Standing in line
To see the show tonight
And there's a light on
Heavy glow
By the way I tried to say
I'd be there... waiting for
Dani the girl
is singing songs to me
Beneath the marquee... of her soul
By the way I tried to say
I know you
Looking for
Standing in line
To see the show tonight
And there's a light on
Heavy glow
By the way I tried to say
I'd be there... waiting for



I think you need to still be there waiting for me, for whatever happens.