That was a great weekend, for the most part.

I totally take back anything negative I've said about you recently.

Oh, geeze. Seriously? WTF?

So, uh, Philly tomorrow night? Any takers? Going once, twice, fuck. Guess not. =(

Just as well, I need to be up early Saturday. And it's gonna be a late night, my parents are super planning and drinks and Vuja De and hopefully Jon goes along with it (I haven't seen Vuja De in forevers, and I really want to). And that's probably a much, much safer and better idea than crashing karaoke. Even though I haven't seen my bartender buddy there in MONTHS. And if my sources are correct, Victory is now being served in bottles? Hmmm.

Anyways, should be a good weekend. =)

I had a great day in Philly with my Mom today! We walked all over the city, got cheese steaks for lunch on South Street and had drinks at City Tavern, which she's always wanted to do and other tourist stuff that we've done before (like see the Liberty Bell) and explored China Town and got to check out one of the city fire stations (right before two fire trucks got into an accident after running into each other...that was sad). It rained and we got cold, but it was fun. =)

Over it. I'm so over it.

I just spent half the day in bed. I am so lazy. =)

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you was fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town
And I said, "Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone"


I wish I didn't know you as well as I do. I wish I didn't know for a fact that every time something bad happens to you, you just check out for weeks. I wish I didn't know that if I tell you I care and that I'm here if you need anything, that it'll just make it easier for you to check out because when you feel helpless you don't want help. Hanging out last night was awesome. This friends thing was working, we talk for real now and actually have fun even if we do nothing. It really felt like being us again, it's been months since you've checked out on me but I know that after talking to you today, you're going to. I told you I care and that ended the conversation and I don't expect to hear from you for weeks. And that sucks, because you're kinda all I have left in this shitty town anymore. So I just wish for once you'd not check out and let me really prove that this friends thing will work (and fucking seriously, me caring shouldn't be a surprise, we did date off and on for four and a half years).

Well, tonight was turned out much better than I thought it would.

Today, I learned that there is no reason for me to be extraordinary. There is no reason to try to be good at anything, or to be able to have any sort of skills because society is fucked up and has lowered their standards to the point where being extraordinary will just hold me back. Go fucking figure.

What happened to being able to call you and have you be there when I felt like running away screaming?

FBI NCAVC** HIRE ME (some write them a letter stating that I am super qualified and amazing)!! Yes, I do want my life to be Criminal Minds when I grow up.

Jack's (Mannequin) and job applications. Waiting on plans for the weekend; I'm hoping the ones from last weekend get resurrected, but if unanswered texts are any indication, I have a feeling they won't. Maybe I'll be surprised (please, surprise me).

As much as I hate Belle-kitty for smacking me in the face, the nose bandage makes me look kinda tough, like a model posing with some hockey players and trying to desperately fit in.

Yeah, I'mma looooooooooooser, baby.


**National Center for the Analysis of Violent Crime

Susan bought me a coffeemaker. Mom gave me her huge, round coffee table that she apparently hates. She was also *gasp* friendly today. She's paying to have my car inspected, too. I was also told I'm not allowed to move into the homeless shelter, because she doesn't understand why I'd rather be homeless than here with her. For the record, I was half kidding when I said that I'd give myself a year before the shelter.

I applied for a job at Wawa, so I can be one of the cool kids who works 2nd/3rd shift at Wawa. I don't think there's even anything else to say. Everyone I know has worked at Wawa. Maybe I'll at least get free coffee...?

Yesterday, my little sister told me she doesn't want me in her life anymore. The day before she was clinging to me while my parents were fighting and begging me not to leave the room. Today, I find out she's deleted my number from her cell phone, and me as a friend on Facebook and Myspace. This afternoon she asked me what I was doing next weekend, because she wants her "boyfriend", who used to be one of my best friends, to come and visit her, but only if I'm around. I told her I wasn't planning my weekend around her fake "relationship", especially since this friend only talks to me now when he has a problem with her or wants to know what's she doing, etc. She got mad at me and stopped speaking to me again.

What is happening to my life? What is happening to my family? I have been stressed out, frustrated, unhappy, upset, etc. about life in general (mainly because of not having found a job yet and the way things are at home), and I know I've been freaking out over little things, but that doesn't mean they get to give up on me. It doesn't mean stop speaking to me and it doesn't mean I get to be the scapegoat for everything that's wrong in their lives. No, I don't want to be here anymore, but I don't want to be at home because life is like the above paragraph on a daily basis. Nobody talks or communicates any more, they either attack or stay silent. I really just need a break from all of this.


I'm still waiting to hear about a job.
I ran another four miles today. I think I just about died between the cold air and the ice and slush. If anything, eventually I'll be in fantastic shape again.


Someday, something will go right for me. I am being optimistic and still believe that that someday will be sometime soon.

Tonight's a party for the misfits doing time
Not giving up, not getting by
Just sticking it out through hardest times

If you dislike each other this much and don't trust each other, maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't be together. What is the point of being married to someone you no longer trust?

I cannot do this anymore, I cannot be here anymore. I can't.
I can't stand listening to them fight with each other.
I can't stand living in a house where no one talks to each, ever.
I can't stand being somewhere where everyone is constantly looking for a reason to leave.

I don't sleep.
I don't eat.
I am exhausted.
I'm losing weight.
I started running again because for half the distance, I'm running away.

No one cares.
I have one parent who's all but an alcoholic.
I have one parent who is seriously depressed and openly talks about suicide.
Neither of them care. They aren't even bothering to pretend anymore.

Epic ending? Epic fail.