Today, I went to the mall. I went to my second favorite retail therapy store, and waws hoping to have a great afternoon shopping in order to cheer myself up. Then I remembered that I'm unemployed and can't afford to shop in order to cheer myself up. Somehow, the entire afternoon just made me feel worse.

So I apologized to A for ignoring his morning text, and explained that I felt bad repeating everything I've said in the past few days because there's only so many ways to say that I'm devastated. I really just want to go curl up in his chair and cry again, like this past weekend, because it's safe and comfortable and doesn't make me feel like I'm suffocating like every inch of my house does.

I still haven't called. Every time I pick up my phone and scroll to the right number, I can't do it. I cant' do it because as soon as the phone call is over, it's officially over. It'll be officially over, for real, because J is too fucking afraid of something that may or may not happen to keep fighting.

I finally started looking for jobs somewhere that is geographically ideal for me. They're all warm, with beaches, and far away, so maybe, just maybe, someday I'll be able to breath again.